Have you ever just wondered what it would be like to live in a world where everybody just got a along in a marriage? I know it sounds simple enough and often times I wonder what it would be like. But have you ever thought about it? According to the American Psychological Association, currently in America, 40 to 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That’s an alarming rate considering that every married couple took an oath that they would stick with the other person no matter what and until death separated them. But wait, there’s a catch. I’ll get to that in a minute.
Marriage is supposed to be a permanent bond between two people. Permanent as in forever or something that will never be broken. Sadly, this is not the case. So I want to look into marriage for a minute and see what makes people grow apart if I can and how it can destroy the lives of children as well.
Everyday in America people get married. Most do it on a weekend, but it can be any day of the week. According to staticbrain.com, 56% of Americans are currently in a relationship. This doesn’t include marriage relationships. People ask others out every day and people break up every day. It’s said that most people go through about ten relationships, three of them serious, before actually finding the right one and getting married. So if those people are the right ones, then why do people divorce?
According to staticbrain.com, the number one thing that people fight over in a relationship is money. This includes marriage relationships. We’ve all heard people say that money is the root of all evil. Not quite. That’s actually a misquote from the Bible that actually says for the love of money is the root of all evil. Not money, but the love of money. Regardless, people get divorced over money more than any other reason. It’s not usually the lack of finances that causes the divorce, but the lack of compatibility in the financial arena. Opposites can attract but when two people are opposites in the financial department, divorce often ensues. Imagine the conflict if one is a saver and one is a spender. One is focused on the future while the other believes in living for today. One has no problem buying on credit, while the other believes in saving up for what one wants. Over time, this conflict can reach such heights that divorce seems to be the only logical conclusion. But does it really have to be?
Another common reason is intimacy issues. Somewhere in a marriage there is a subtle change in the intimacy department. One person has an off day, there is a misunderstanding or someone doesn’t feel well. Then there’s the idea that he isn’t as romantic or she isn’t as sexual. Whoever is the one with the subtle change can trigger a downward spiral in the intimacy department. Men generally need sexual receptivity to feel romantic and women generally need romance to be sexual receptive. As long as both people are getting what they need, they willingly provide what the other person wants. However, when there is a lessening on either’s part, that can trigger a pulling back in the other. If gone unnoticed and unchecked, before the couple realizes, they are seriously intimately estranged and wonder what happened. This can lead to divorce as couples begin to feel unloved and unappreciated.
Sometimes divorce comes in the form of unmet expectations. Somewhere written into a human’s genetic code lie the instruction that when a person isn’t happy, he or she is supposed to force his/her significant to make the changes required to make the unhappy person happy again. This usually takes the form of complaining, blaming, criticizing, nagging, threatening, punishing and/or bribing. When one or both people in the marriage are attempting to coerce each other into doing things they don’t want to do for their partner’s happiness, it is a recipe for disaster. When you are unhappy in a relationship, it’s okay to ask for the change you want. But, if your partner doesn’t oblige you, then you become responsible for your own happiness. But in all honesty, both parties should make every effort to be receptive to change as the other wants within reason.
Those are just a few of the reasons that people get divorced. I’m sure you can find tons more online or even just think of some in your own head. But what about the kids if there are any in the relationship? How does a divorce affect them?
According to Focus on the Family, divorce not only affects the parents, but the kids as well and in a major way. Here are just a few of the statistics from the Focus on the Family website on children and divorce.
- Children from divorced homes suffer academically. They experience high levels of behavioral problems. Their grades suffer, and they are less likely to graduate from high school.
- Kids whose parents divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile.
- Because the custodial parent’s income drops substantially after a divorce, children in divorced homes are almost five times more likely to live in poverty than are children with married parents.
- Teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families.
- Children from divorced homes experience illness more frequently and recover from sickness more slowly. They are also more likely to suffer child abuse.
- Children of divorced parents suffer more frequently from symptoms of psychological distress. And the emotional scars of divorce last into adulthood.
Here’s a thought. When you divorce and children are involved, just remember that chances are that your still going to have to see your ex partner quite often when children are involved. It’s just a fact. You may see them at birthday parties, school functions, and of coarse during every single drop off and pick up of the children. It would be my advice to challenge yourself to stay in a healthy relationship. Try to figure out where the breakdown is and try your best to fix it. In the end, it will all work out for the best. For you and your children.
Finally I would like to explain the catch that I talked about earlier. What I’m talking about is a prenuptial agreement. A prenuptial agreement is entered into before marriage. This agreement can set forth what will happen to your and your spouse’s assets and income in the unfortunate event of a divorce. Sometimes you’ll hear people say that they got a prenuptial agreement just in case their spouse dies so that they are not subject to community property or equitable distribution laws, however in most states when a spouse dies, the other takes sole possession of the deceased’s property. Community property or equitable distribution laws us up don’t take effect unless both parties die and even then, most property is handed down to the children unless there is no immediate family. Even if both parties die, a simple will can settle all disputes on one’s personal property and finances. Let’s be honest, a prenuptial agreement isn’t about death. It’s about divorce. Literally thousands of people are planning their divorce before their marriage even begins. That’s a sad truth in today’s world.
The Cordell Account 